Due to my history I tend to get agitated at the pace my life takes. I always feel like I am playing catch up. I am always behind what is considered normal behavior for my stage of life, whatever that "normal" may be. I lost my teenage years to family dysfunction, lost my college years until early 30's to recovering from a car accident, and feel like I am losing my 40's to PhD Piled High and Deep anxiety. I need to accept that I have four years left to do this dissertation, and if something horrible happens a dissertator can always ask for an extension, not that I want or plan to do that. But at least that option is there if the worst happens.Besides, the older I get the more I think about my mortality. I could be dead in an hour, so why I am worried or spending one ounce of energy thinking about tomorrow, let alone four years from now?
Does anyone else out there think about their mortality? I think about it a lot. But this is nothing new for me. I have always thought a lot about it. I'm surprised when I find people who don't think about it much. Death has never frightened me. For some reason I have always felt that it is a friend. But now that I am what is called "middle aged" I find myself feeling like I am playing catch up all over the place. Dying doesn't scare me. It's the living that is scary. Since I am not married and have no children it's thoughts of who will take care of me if I become chronically ill that frighten me.
"Let us see life as it really is...It is a moment between two eternities..."
Well, I think have digressed from the direction I thought this post was going. Hmmmm.
I have been thinking about how this blog might actually end up in my dissertation. My topic is Writing for Healing Purposes, and since this blog is getting my mind and fingers back into the "writing" mindset I do think this blogging exercise of unleashing my fears, anxieties, and paranoias will provide much needed sweet healing power. I need to forget about the past and the future and just concentrate on this moment. With that said, I will allow myself to say this about my future: If my teaching jobs continue in January, I will have to go on reserve on my 4th part time job to free up some time. I can't quit my 4th job now because I do have to have a backup if both or one of my teaching jobs end. But the good news is I can list myself as reserve next semester on that job and only work when I feel like it. That will free up some time. But here I go thinking about tomorrow. Stop STOP Stop it right now, Mary Alice!
"When we yield to discouragement it is usually because we give too much thought to the past and to the future."
I like the quotes I used in this post. They are attributed to Saint Therese of Lisieux--The Little Flower. Today is her feast day, and I have been researching her tonight. http://www.ewtn.com/Therese/therese.htm
Since she was known as the saint of little ways and small things, I will take my dissertation process one small step at a time and rejoice in each small step, however small, as a monumental victory.
Peace, MAM :)
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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Mary Alice, do you know where this quote comes from? It is Jesus speaking, his sermon on the Mount.(Matthew Ch 6) I wonder sometimes what He meant by 'tomorrow will worry about itself'? .. I know I think about mortality A LOT. I've been growing(that is, improving) in the area of anxiety, I think. The Sermon on the Mount helps me.
ReplyDeleteAs busy as you are, the real advantage should be you have no time for worry. So tell that part of your brain to shut up. and think about today and tommarow,and how to best get through while being somewhat organized. --Jilda
ReplyDelete@ Fab, It seems that throughout the years when things get rough, you email me that passage. :)
ReplyDeleteI think he meant that each day has its own troubles and if God is doing the worrying for us then I guess we don't need to. Hmmmmmmmm
@ Jilda, "Shut up bad part of MAM's brain!!!!" See, I am doing what you told me to do.
ReplyDeleteHey Mam,
ReplyDeleteI'm in university too doing my Masters in my Fifies. I got back into university because I was teaching creative writing and could see what it was doing for my students.
Re: anxiety, a few years ago I realized that I was always anxious about every "performance" I had to do - papers to hand in, courses I had to teach, proposals I had to make, presentations, etc. And yet I procrastinated like crazy (fear).
And then I started to observe and realized that, no matter how anxious I got, I managed to pull it off and do a good job.
What's your history like with anxiety? If your worries have a habit of not coming true, maybe it might help to examine that.
Anyway, bonne chance. I'll be following your blog.