Labor Day Pains--Such is Life

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...ok, today is the first day of my dissertating life.(I am not counting the past year and half of reading and thinking about it as the actual process). My dissertaton life that started today is what I consider the grunt work of dissertating. PhD Labor Pains. I have to now somehow make a plan and set goals. Where do I want to be by Christmas time? What do I want to accomplish by the end of this semester? I had high hopes this morning of having gone through my computer files by the end of the day. I wanted to organize PhD related items I have saved. I have failed miserly at this simple task. It seems I can't find some crucial files. Such is life in a computerized world.


So here I lay in my bed with my laptop. I'm feeling somewhat defeated. It is 9:50 pm. I was up at 7am. At work by 8:30--taught 3 hours of English to a class of ESL students who are at various levels of low intermediate English. Was home by noon--walked to the 12:10 mass. I find mass a necessity in maintaining my sanity. Some people meditate, some people chant, some people invoke Buddha, some people pray to Allah, some light insense. I like to go to daily mass when I can. It helps keep me centered and gives me the strength to survive my solitary life in this wacky world. I talked to the security guard outside church. Yes, I did say security guard. That probably surprises and stuns some of you. But I live in Baltimore city, which tends to bounce back and forth between number 4 and 2 on the country's most dangerous cities list. Just makes life more interesting. :) Since the guard is not always there, whenever I do see him, I know crime has escalated. I asked him, "Where is Howard? Did you scare Howard away?" Howard is my homeless friend who hangs outside the church. He was missing today and another day this past week. I make him cookies. He loves them even though he has to gum them. You see Howard has very few teeth. Howard is a lovable mess who wreaks of alcohol at least 3x a week. Howard is a very big black man with lovely dark soulful eyes and a big heart to match. He towers over me. He calls me baby and sweetie and sweeheart. He makes me smile. I worry about Howard. I miss him when he is not sitting on his usual perch (the rectory steps) or leaning against his usual pole (the No Parking sign). When he sees me coming a block away he starts waving his big floppy hands excitedly. I wave back. Howard seems to disappear whenever the guard comes around. But the guard told me that he is also friends with Howard. He talked to him earlier and also saw him across the street earlier eating some food. But even though they are buddies I still think Howard vanishes on purpose when the guard comes around. Howard never misses a day hanging outside the church unless he is sick. You see it's a good collecting spot for Howard. The other parishoners don't seem to like baking cookies so they give Howard money. But Howard becomes a ghost when the security guard visits. Even though the guard is nice to Howard, Howard is intimitated by the guard. Poor Howard. Such is life the big bad city.


I was home by 1pm. Time for lunch. I called my best friend telling myself I would only talk to her for 10 or 15 minutes. An hour later I was still on the phone discussing the woes and wonders of our worlds. Such is life in the long distance friendship world.


I was now an hour and a half behind my normal daily schedule. Off to the health club I went. I decided to go for a swim. This also is a necessity-- a doctor imposed necessity for my bad back. I was the only one in the pool. Bliss! My own private pool. Feeling refreshed I was on my way home to sort out files. At least that was the plan until my 23 year old friend who works the front desk wanted to talk. So talk we did about the woes of having to suffer ditzy females who seem to be populating at an alarming rate. Where do they come from? We did this until 5pm. Such is life in the health club world.


Dinnertime. I decided to follow Clara the Depression Chef's advice and make peppers and eggs. Check out 93 year old Clara's blog-- http://depressioncooking.blogspot.com/ Very frugal. I like frugality. I watched the movie Anastasia starring Ingrid Bergman while I ate. It skipped continuosly and annoyed me. I did the dishes and and made a fruit salad. Another phone call came in long distance. Next thing I knew it was 9pm and I was searching my computer thinking I will now sort my PhD files. Well, here I lie, it is now 10:45 pm and no files, no sorting. I need a plan. Such is life in the planless world.


I hate planning. I never plan. I learned a long time ago that when I plan something else happens. Ugh. But I really do think I need a "casual" plan and an outline for this semester. It will go something like this:


1. Sort Phd computer files.
2. Sort through huge box filled with Phd papers, notebooks and notes.
3. Reread notes and highlighted book passages that I have read over the last three years and have forgotten.
4. Compile list and sort through people I would like to include in my dissertation.
5.Read published dissertations that pertain to my topic.
6. Write proposal.
7. Plan and do whatever it takes to start the main writing process in January.


The actual writing process doesn't scare me. Once I start writing it will flow and I will end up writing too much. It's the figuring out how to go about it that sends me into brain limbo. I know I will feel much better when I sort all my files and organize my notes. I will also feel better when I reread all my papers and notebooks. This will get me into academia mode again. I also know that reading published dissertations will be a tremendous help. Once I see what others have done I will feel that I can proceed with my own writing.


Oh, and did I say that this will all be done while working three jobs, maintaining friendships (long and short distance), maintaining my health, and worrying about Howard. Such is life in MAM's dissertating world.


Not to self: Maybe I should dump all friends except Howard. I talk too much. Less talking and more researching is needed. But dumping friends is not a good move. When the paper is all crinkled, and the pen is all out of ink, and the printer is all out of paper, my friends and Howard will be the only ones who really care anyway. So the friends will stay. :)


Peace, MAM, who is so tired she can't be bothered checking this post's spelling.